Every morning ,when I woke up, I would hurry to my Mom’s room. I would watch her breath in and out for a minute, if she’s not snoring Iwould pay close attention to her breast if still moving or pumping. After assuring she’s still alive, I would call her and would ask her how she feels and how was her sleep. That’s my daily routine before doing my morning agenda.
Then she would rise up before my schedule of leaving for work, the traditional courtesy of “Mano” or grabbing and kissing her hand. She would bid and wish me blessings from God everyday. I could feel her hands dry and rough, evidence of hardships she conquered for us. I know she stares at me as I leave for work.
When I was young, my mom,as a public school teacher was the one who leaves me at the house. Every morning she would kiss me and leave a mark of her lipstick in my cheeks. I watched as she walks away, 100% assured she will come back home for me every afternoon. I could still remember how secured I was with my mother and how happy I was having her lips marked in my cheeks. At night she leads us in prayer, directly talking to God and asking for guidance, then my brother and I sleeping in both sides, leaning in her arms, funny that it was an issue where she should face in sleep, my brother made sure to hold her hand all night and me would hold her breast. Mother,our refuge.
My Mom stood up strong enough in receiving medal of valor for my father who died in a battle when I was a baby; she worked hard every day for me and my older brother. She acted more as a father in discipline and was armed by thick leather belt of my father. “Someday I don’t want people say that having no father made you grew morons and undisciplined individuals”, her fear for our character brought her to use force to us, her children. But her constant nagging and scolding were because of her true love to us. We will not be like these without the values she instilled to us. We might genetically good persons but moreover its how Mommy raised us.
Now I am the one who leaves her every day, the one I was waiting to come home, awaits for me now every night.
My mother who carried heavy bags of goods to sell as sideline, in order to sustain our education, could hardly walk now ,her legs were not as strong as before. Now partly dependent to somebody’s help and the once strong lady is getting older and weaker as time passes by. The independent mother who gives her life to us needs us. The giver is slowly transforming into receiver.
More often than not, her too much asking now hurts me, I believe she still can do all she wishes for. Part of me could not accept that my idol, my refuge and my hero is not immortal at all. It angers me to pity her and could not stop the pain of my mounting insecurities. With her weakend body and long list of medicine maintenance, how long will I watch her sleep?
How much time do I have to wake her up in the morning? I can’t imagine life without my Mommy. Reality that nobody can change, someday we need to part our ways. But we can still prolong the happiness together, we can still enjoy the time left for us.
Mommy, while you can still read and understand, I am writing this to you.
I want you to know how much I love you, how I praise God for giving you to me as a mother. How proud I am to come out of a body of a loyal wife and greatest Mother.
Please understand my shortcomings Mommy.Please understand that I as individual, got my own life, beliefs and destiny. I am truly sorry if somehow I failed you. I might not the best daughter a mother could have, but God knows I tried to be one and still aspiring to be one.I hope somehow ,I made you proud Mommy and I really anticipate achieving even just half of your expectations in an ideal daughter.
Mommy, no matter what, and how much we differ from each other, rest assured that for the rest of your life ‘I will take care and love you Mommy. I will be your eyes for direction, your friend to walk with and your daughter, who will trade everything just to be with you.
Thank you Mommy,you are the greatest blessing to me and Kuya, I really love you!